"If that's a joke, I love it. If not, can't wait to unpack that with you later." – Ted Lasso

Have you ever talked to someone about what was going on with them at work (or life) and though and the decisions they are making…”are you serious?...are you joking right now?” Maybe it is that friend who has the abusive boss, but just won’t look for other opportunities, or the sister who says her family is her priority, but consistently chooses to take jobs that require a lot of travel.

How many times do you think others have thought that about what you? What decisions are you making that are actually taking you farther away from what you really want…even though they maybe good, maybe even really good at some level.

As humans we can get fooled by only looking at the benefit of staying the same or maybe making a change…but not the cost, and there is always a cost.…yes, you may get some payback like a higher salary, promotion, work on that passion project…but what is it costing you?

When you find yourself in that hard spot of making a tough decision…ask “What is this costing me”…or “What would option “x” cost me” . As leaders lets be deliberate in making our decisions so when people scratch their head that we made them we know how to respond and we did it on purpose.

“Help! I need somebody” …The Beatles

Life is hard…imagine your personal capacity is like a backpack…and your life puts things in your backpack…spouse, kids, job, church, friends…but at some point, for all of us, the backpack can be too much. When we add aging parents, teenagers, marriage problems, struggling business, illness (ever heard of COVID?), isolation, and the list goes on…that backpack is more than anyone was ever supposed to carry by themselves. If you are a leader, you may be convinced that you have more capacity than others…that is probably true! …but at some point, life will put more in your backpack than you can carry. What happens when you get there? Crashing at work? Depression? Suicide? Breakdown? Drinking too much? Divorce?

You may be there or have been there…if you haven’t, it is coming. So, what can you do about it? If you insist on carrying everything by yourself the list the previous paragraph may be what is around the corner…As a leader can you say, “I need help…I can’t do this by myself”? If you can there is hope!

If you are a leader, you probably like and are good at helping others be successful. You enjoy carrying some things out of others proverbial “backpack”. When done well what happens? They grow professionally and personally…the succeed. They “run” faster than they could have if you weren’t carrying part of that burden…their capacity grows, and they make take that burden back and be able to shoulder even more. Will you allow others to do that for you?

Here are 3 steps to taking some things out of your backpack so you can be the leader you were created to be, your family, co-workers, vendors and customers need you to be.

1) Swallow your pride and be willing to ask for help (The earth has billions of people and every single one needs help from others…you are in good company)

2) Establish a network of people that care about you…people who will be there when you say “I need help” (These are likely some of the same people that can ask for help from you)

3) Remember…asking for help is not weak or selfish…it is brave, and it not only helps you…it helps your business, your family, your friends, your team members, your customers, vendors…everyone.

Ask for help when you need it…when you do you are a better example and a better leader…Be a leader worth following.

"You stink. You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa.” - Elf

I have a confession to make…I am in recovery…I am a recovering people pleaser. In the past I found myself spending all of my energy trying to make others happy, while neglecting my own legitimate needs and wants. To consider my own needs felt selfish to me…and it resulted in burnout and stress both at work and home…and in the end I was unhappy (and often so was everyone else). I’m learning that to be my best self sometimes I have to make others unhappy…and that is ok, no that is necessary.

Are you OK when others are not OK with you? Some psychological models call that separation or differentiation or emotional independence…whatever you call it mature adults are not overcome by the need to please others, but rather can balance the tension of their wants and needs with those of others. Sometimes that means saying “No” to others…or “Yes, under the condition…” and sometimes just a “Yes”…accepting that agency of being able to control your answer is necessary to be your best self.

If you will risk disappointing others, when appropriate, you will find the freedom to be your best…for your family, your friends, and for your organization. …when you can be emotionally independent of others then you can embrace your own freedom.

“This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able take my eyes off of it, either.” -Ted Lasso

Do you "own" who you are? That is called Adulthood...and as leaders that shows up in terms of how we wield Authority AND how we submit to Authority.

When you are in charge...be in Charge! ...and when you are not in charge, allow the person in charge to be in charge. Be a leader that is worthy of inspiring team members to "Disagree AND Commit"...and return the favor to those who lead you.

“I didn’t get a bathroom door that looks like a wall by not being good at business.” - Jack Donaghy - 30 Rock

We know as leaders that we are not successful alone, we need a team. You probably spend most of your day investing in your team members...but who is investing in you?

Dr. John Townsend's book People Fuel (aptly named) is all about that, and specifically the concept of Life Teams (ch 12). Intentionally build your team and schedule time with them (individually or as a group) Your car needs fuel on a regular basis and so do you! Try it and see what happens...I dare you...I double dog dare you!

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office

Integration is being able to see reality...that there are good things going on and bad things going on at the same time. Good team members will make mistakes...long term clients will sometimes leave. At the same time, Good team members make A LOT of correct decisions (maybe even better than we could) and new clients sometime turn into long term clients.

As a leader what or who are you holding onto that you should let go of? What opportunities are opening up when business challenges arrive? Don't deny reality, embrace it and be the leader you were meant to be.

"...so your telling me there's a chance" - Dumb and Dumber

Do you have a "No" muscle...as a leader can you be direct and risk being unpopular?

If you want to be a good leader you MUST be able to tell some people and opportunities "No"...in order to be able to tell the best people and opportunities "Yes"...and to do that you must be able to express and distinct and different self.

To be a good leader you can't always be a popular leader, don't be a "Yes" man or woman...be your own man or woman...that has opinions and makes hard decisions. Your organization and your team will be better for it.

"Only a true friend would be that truly honest" - Donkey - Shrek

This week we are talking about Attachment. Attachment is simply our bonding with others and emotional regulation. When you have challenges in Attachment, you may find that you are isolated from others, maybe out of touch with your own feelings....maybe you find you simply don't have "fuel in your tank" to make progress on meaningful things in life...or maybe you hang on to bad relationships because even a bad relationship is better than none.

Find those people in your life that "fuel" you...maybe you simply need to intentionally reconnect with them, maybe you need to find them. Connect with others and see what life is like when you have "fuel in the tank!"

“Precious Father, why have you given me this desire to wrestle and then made me such a stinky warrior?” – Nacho Libre

Do you and your team have the ability to face what life and work are requiring of you?

The Character Structure from Dr. John Townsend identifies four areas that are necessary to meet the demands of life...and deficits in these areas can cause problems for us and/or prevent us from reaching our full potential.

As a quick overview, that I will elaborate on in future weeks, the four areas are:

1) Attachment - do we have the relationships that fuel us to be our best?

2) Separation - can we truly say "yes" or "no" because we choose to, even if it displeases others?

3) Integration - can we operate in the "gray" and nuance of reality where there is both good and bad...and both can be true at the same time

4) Adulthood - do we exercise authority that we have well and also submit to proper authority